A letter to my sister Noel

Hey sorry but I don’t think I’ll get together with you this time around. I’m not one for pretending and ignoring white elephants in the room and the white elephant in my room has just gotten to big. You said you didn’t want any bullshit. I take that to mean that you didn’t want to discuss the reason why you haven’t been around for the past 20 some years. I’m sorry to have to say this but you are the one that caused the bullshit because of choices that you made in your life. One of those choices affected me and my son. That is when you decided to take off with my spouse and my son’s father. The ramifications of that choice are far reaching. First of all let me show you what it looked like for me. I tried to kill myself when I first found out that you had taken up with Eric. I took a bottle of pills. Thankfully I realized that no man was worth my life and went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped out. Then Eric took off with his pay check and left me and Adam without any money. We couldn’t pay our rent and had to go to welfare for money. We went from having a two income family and nice things to living in poverty with hand me down clothes and furniture. Not to mention that I got blamed for your choice because according to mom you could do no wrong and somehow it was my fault that you left with my son’s father. When I found out from Bill that you had gotten married I went to tell mom but she already knew. I asked her why she didn’t tell me and was told me that it was none of my business. Now tell me how is my sister marry my son’s father none of my business? There is also the shame I felt for years hiding that dirty little secret. How do I look my son in the eyes and tell him that he has cousins that may or may not be his half brother and sister. I remember that last phone conversation when you told me that Jennifer wasn’t his and you didn’t know whose father Alex was because you had cheated on Eric so many times you couldn’t keep track. That did give me a little bit of consolation but just a little. Granted I not sure how long me and Eric would have stayed together because of the way he was but that was up to me to decide not you. Then there is how my son was affected. You have said a couple of times that you have a family that you adore and so do I. Imagine raising your son the way my son had to be raised, because of you, without a father. My son had friends that had both a mom and a dad. Do you know how many times that little boy looked into my eyes and asked me how come he didn’t have a dad? It’s not as if I could tell him the truth. That his dad ran off with his aunt. I just told him that we would pray and one day god would give him a really good dad. Almost every night that little boy would say his prayers asking for a dad. Not to mention the identity crisis my son had because he didn’t know where he came from. He didn’t have that mirrored image of a father he was supposed to have in those crucial teenage years. Again Eric might have been the best example of a good human being but my son could have found that out for himself had the man not run off with you. I couldn’t show him any pictures of his dad because I tore them all up when you two ran off. My poor son questioned everything about his identity even his sexuality. There were a few years there when he thought that he might be gay because the only thing he knew about his father’s family was that he had uncles that were gay. My son whom I adore is 33 years old and he still suffers from issues arising from you taking off with his father. Can you imagine your son going through all this? How would you feel? I wonder have you ever stopped and wondered how Adam was doing without his dad? You said in one of our phone conversations that you did what you had to survive. I told this to my friend and she asked.” How does taking off with your sisters spouse help you survive?” That got me thinking, I would really like to know how exactly did running off with my spouse and my son’s father help you survive. Hey I know what it’s like to survive. I have been to hell and back a few times but I would not ever betray anyone like that. I have always taught my kids that you don’t use what you went through as an excuse to hurt other people or yourself. I have told them that I could be the very worst drug addicted prostitute down town Vancouver and have every excuse for being there but choose not to. Then there is the young woman that emailed me and asked. “Do you know where my mom is? Do you have any pictures of her? I don’t remember what she looks like?” Yes that young lady would be your other daughter Jennifer. I had the opportunity to have an email chat with her ever so briefly a few years ago. I sent her the few pictures I had of you. You could probably find her on facebook if you look for Jennifer Montgomery. I am sure she would like to hear from you. Ironic isn’t it. My son grew up missing his dad and your daughter has grown up missing her mom because of your choices. Now that is just plain sad. What about Karen and her family? How do you think they were affected. I can tell you that I don’t think Karen ever got over that betrayal. How do you think her kids faired with her carrying that pain around for all those years. I think they would have loved to have grown up without all the bitterness. I don’t know how long Karen and Doug would have lasted without your influences but again that was up to them to decide not you. I’m sorry but I’m not one to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that white elephants in the room don’t exist. After all that the reason I don’t talk to mom. She said that she would talk to me but wouldn’t talk about the past. I told her that I worked to long and hard to pretend that my past didn’t exist. To pretend would be to dishonor myself and the work I did on myself. And I do not dishonor myself. I cherish myself. You said that you might not come back here for another 30 years after all the bullshit. I don’t know if you meant that as an idol threat or not but hey I say go for it. I guess if you can’t handle the heat you shouldn’t have started the fire. I cannot in good conscience welcome you with open arms under those conditions. Did you think that you could walk back into our lives without the topic coming up in conversation? What kind of message would I be giving to my son if I did? To me that would be just like telling my son whom I adore that he didn’t really matter and there isn’t anybody in this world that means more to me than my kids. I don’t know what he thinks about you coming around because he hasn’t said much probably because he knows how much I have missed you and wondered if you are dead or alive nice to know that I don’t have to wonder any more. You say that you adore your family I’m guessing that includes your spouse, Charlie. How would you feel if I ran off with him? How would that affect your son? I hope you know that by writing this I mean you no malice. I am only telling you how it is. I look at your pictures of your happy little family and think oh isn’t that nice she has made a good live for herself and then I start getting mad and think what about me? It would have been nice to see if Eric, Adam and I could have had such a nice life together. Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets about how my life turned out because then I wouldn’t have my girls and I adore my girls too. They are wonderful people. But again an opportunity was taken away from me. Well I think that just about covers it. The recovery work I did taught that we should make amends for our wrong doings. I think you should make some amends to me and my son especially before we can get together. If of course you don’t feel that you can or need to then I’m afraid our relationship will have to stay on facebook. I want you to know that I do love you. Sincerely yours Patricia.

My Buffalo Drum

The Drum is the Heart Beat of the Nation.

I have wanted a buffalo drum for a really long time and I finally got one. I'm so happy. I'm also quite proud of how I got my new drum , because I made it. This lense describes the process of making a drum. You will also find some pictures to help you visualize the experience. I have also added a link to a buffalo song found on youtube.

A Prayer is Given

The drum making workshop began with a prayer and a song. A prayer of thanks to the animal that gave it's life for us so we can make a drum. A prayer was also given to the tree that gave its life for us to make a drum.

The Ring

One of the main compontents to a drum is the drum ring or hoop. These rings were made for us by a local drum maker. The rings are made out of small pieces that are cut to fit together in a circle. Each piece is glued together to make a circle. Since your ring is made out of wood you're bound to have some rough spots so you will need to get some sand paper to make these spots smooth. After all you don't want to get splinters while you're drumming.

The Hide Used to Make Drum

The drum can be made out of many different kinds of hide. Each hide has it own sound. Some types of hide used are deer, elk and buffalo. My drum is made out of buffalo hide. It was bought at a local tanery. It came in one peice that we measured and cut. The size you need will vary according to the size of the drum you're making.

Soaking the Hide

Some drum makers perfer to cut the hide while it's wet while others prefer to cut it while it's dry. We used a wet hide. It's hard to believe that big hide fit into the garbage can. It looked way to big. But it takes up less space once it softens.

Laying out the Hide

After the hide is soften it's laid out on a table so it can be cut to the just right size for your drum.

Measuring the Hide

The rings are laid on top of the hide and measured while the hide is still dry. The hide is cut a little bit bigger than your ring so that the hide stretches part way up the side of the ring.

Cutting the Hide

After the hide is measured and softened its cut. Again some drum makers cut the hide wet while others cut it while it dry.

Getting the Hide Ready

There are several steps to getting the hide ready to go on the ring. The first thing you need to do is put holes in your hide. You need to determine which stringing method you're going to use and make the holes accordingly. The holes are made either with a drill with a piece of wood under the hide so as to not to drill into the table. They can also be made with a hole punch although a electric drull is much easier on your muscles. The holes can be put in the hide when its wet or dry. And if you don't make enough holes don't worry you can always make more.

Stringing the Hide Step One

The first step of stringing the hide is to thread a piece of yarn through one hole on each of the four sides of the hide.

Stringing the Hide Step Two

After you have the yarn in a hole on all four sides of the drum you lay your ring on the hide. You then make a hoop out of the cord your going to thread your drum with. You then tie the yarn on to the cord hoop, making sure the hoop stays in the center of your ring.

Stringing the Hide Step Three and Beyond

The third step to stringing the hide begins with getting a piece of cord long enough to string your whole drum. There's nothing worse than threading your whole drum to find out your cord is only inches to short and having to take the whole cord out and start all over again. This happened to one lady in my drum making workshop, and she wasn't very happy. I got my drum strung a quarter of the way and realized I had missed a whole so I had to start all over. Oh well one thing drum making teaches you is patience. Before you start threading your drum decide whether or not your are going to put your cord under or over your center cord as you will want to do the same all the way around your drum. Don't thread your cord to tight to start you'll take out the slack later. You also want to be careful that your center cord stays in the middle of your ring and your ring stays in the center of your hide or you will get a lopsided drum. Now that you've threaded your drum you can start taking the slack out of the cord. Pull the cord just enough to take the slack out. When this is all done start tighting the cord. You tighten the cord a little at a time pulling the cord the same way you did when you took the slack out. It might take a couple of rounds to get the tightness that you want. Be careful not to tighten the cord to much becasue it will tighten more when the hide dries. After you've tightened your drum you need to hang your drum up to dry. Next play your drum and if you like decorate it. Have fun.

The Teaching of the Drum

There is a teaching to go with most everything in the Native Culture here are some of the teachings of the drum that I know. Since the beginning of time the drum has been used to gather the people together. There is only positive energy attached to the drum, no negativity allowed. You should make your drum with good feeling and good thoughts. The energy you make your drum with goes into your drum so you never want to make it with bad feeling. The sound of the drum mimics Mother Earth's heartbeat. It brings people together. It is such a great experience to drum and sing with a bunch of like minded people, Never touch somebody's drum without permission. Everyone has energy whether good or bad. So becareful who you let touch your drum. You don't want somebody with bad energy to touch your drum. They leave it behind. You would also never step over a drum. I'm not sure why about this teaching, it has something to do with the energy. You shouldn't play your drum under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you do you need to wrap your drum up and put it away for four days.

Buffalo Song Click this link and you can listen to the Buffalo Song on youtube.

Why Eat Chocolate?

Are You A Chocolate Lover?

Are you like me and love chocolate? I love anything chocolate, chocolate pudding, chocolate cake, chocolate bars, chocolate cookies, and oh my all time favorite chocolate ice-cream. The best tasting ice-cream I ever had was chocoholic Ice-cream. It had three different kinds of chocolate in it. Oh and how my mouth waters just thinking about it. I love chocolate. It takes a of imagination to come up with excuses why I should eat it. I can't tell you the guilt I felt when I did occasionally indulge in some of that mouth watering delicacy. Oh how I was tormented from thoughts of the extra inches the chocolate would cause to grow on my hips and waist. Can you imagine the big sigh of relieve I let out when I read an article about the health benefits of chocolate. No more guilty feelings! Just more reasons to eat chocolate.

Photo Credit: Photobucket

Thanks Montezuma For Introducing Chocolate.

Keep Calm, Eat...

According to Mark Stibich, Ph.D., in his article Health Benefits of Chocolate Chocolate has the same health benefits as dark vegetables. Yes chocolate comes from a plant. Which means it has flavonoids. Flavonoids are antioxidants that protect us from those pesky free radicals that cause aging and heart disease. Chocolate has eight times more antioxidants than strawberries. Flavonoids also help produce nitric oxide which are important for lowing your blood pressure. Here's some good news from Dr. Stibich. Eating one dark chocolate bar a day improves your your heart health. It can lower your LDL cholesterol,that's the bad stuff, by ten percent. Alright I'm sold. Where's the chocolate. Caution though a dark chocolate bar can have up to 400 calories so you need to balance out the calories by eliminating some other snack. After all chocolate maybe good for you but being over weight isn't.

Read About The Health Benefits Of Chocolate

Chocolate Contains Serotonin The Feeling Good Hormone.

Hershey's Kiss...

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Merriam-Webster Dictionary Definition of CHOCOHOLIC: a person who craves or compulsively consumes chocolate

Take the Chocoholic Test

Eating Chocolate Can Lower Your LDL Cholesterol

Eating Chocolate Lowers Blood Pressure

Dark Chocolate Helps Lower Blood Sugar It Has A low Glycemic Index

Pouring Hot...
Armin Zogbaum
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The Art Of Lino Print Making

How It All Started

Have you ever heard of Lino print making? I have to admit that up until a few years ago I hadn't. I learned the art of Lino print making when I went to university. One of my goals to achieve while going to university was to find an art form that I could incorporate my poetry with. I decided to do extended minors in English and Visual Arts. As you can gather to complete the visual arts requirements I had to take several art classes. This was no hardship because being creative is like playing. I took two years of photography and two years of print making. It was while taking the print making classes that I learned to and fell in love with lino print making I'll have to admit I was rather intimated by my ability to draw at first. During the first semester and part of the second one my pieces consisted of traced images from some old photographs I had. Part way during my second semester my instructor said she was surprised that she hadn't seen more of my poetry in my work. I took this as a challenge. I said fine I will do a piece from start to finish and won't show her until it was ready to be printed. I didn't want to risk her telling me that it wasn't any good until I was done. I had a reading break and a weekend to do my piece. I had a picture in my head to go with one of my poems and decided to start with that one. I finished the piece to the point that it was ready to print. I took it to class to show my instructor. I tell you the her reaction was completely unexpected. She was so excited when she saw it that she hooped and hallowed. She went out and got a few more instructors to show them my work. She said that I was a folk artist with my own style and I should do very little to change it. As you can imagine that her reaction was a great confidence booster. I spent the next few semesters producing a body of work that incorporated both my poetry and my drawings.

Hope For Tomorrow My First Lino

This was the first lino I did. It was inspired by a poem I wrote after laying in my bed crying thinking I had lost all hope for tomorrow. I felt as if the creator came, leaned over my bed and whispered my name in my ear. The poem came to me then. I thought you know what I don't feel like getting up and writing the poem now. If it's still in my head in the morning I'll write it. I still remembered the poem the next morning and wrote it.

The Bay Watcher

This poem was loosely inspired by my grandfather. It tells the story of a man standing by the bay thinking about his life, all the good and bad things he had done.

Dad's Chair

Who doesn't have or had a dad that had a favorite chair. I wrote this poem after my dad passed away. In the poem and the picture I am a adult standing looking at his chair remembering the events around that chair wishing he was still in it.

Early Morning Struggle

I actually wrote this poem after sitting on my doorstep at one in the morning. I felt like the whole world was against me. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong and frankly I just didn't have the energy to go on. Sadly I toyed with the idea of ending my life that night. Instead I got up pushed the dust off the seat of my pants and went to bed hoping that the next day would be better.Sad but true, life just isn't a quiet lay in the rug.

A Hiding Place

While being in abusive marriage I found myself gaining a huge amount of weight. I lost the weight after I lost the relationship. I began to look at the weight gain as a way to hide my inner self and protect it from getting completely destroyed.

Horse And Train

This poem was written as an assignment for a poetry writing course. We were shown a painting and had to write a poem about it.

Horse Wait

This poem was inspired by my love for horses. The theme of the poem is a rider trying to convince a wild horse to let them ride it.

In Memory Of Granddad (In Blue)

I did the picture in memory of my grandfather who my grandmother affectionately called Granddad. My grandparents lived on the coast in Victoria British Columbia. Grandpa used to take his row boat out in the ocean and feed the seagulls. I remember visiting my grandparents when we were young children. It was during this visit when Grandpa told us kids how he went out in the boat to feed the seagulls. He told us how the seagulls would come and eat the bread right out of his hand.

In Memory Of Granddad (Blended Colors)

While some lino prints are done in one color there is a technique where two or more colors of ink are blended together. The colors change with each print you make as the colors come together.

It's My Grief

Written in the memory of Donald Philip Nelson 1936-1994 He died a young man to you to die. He never ate right. He smoke like a chimney and drank like a fish. He never saw a doctor. He was dysfunctional in all his ways. He never tried to spend time with his children or grandchildren, well at least some of them. He never once came to my house to see where I lived. But he was my dad and I still loved him. Don't be like him! ©1999 Patricia M. Penner

Maker Of My Soul

I was inspired to write this poem when I realized that the creator could see me and knew all about me. The thought was rather inspiring since I had grown up feeling rather invisible.

My Tea Tipping Friend

I wrote this poem for a friend who I spent a lot of time with having tea. We both had small children and loved to steal moments where we could just sit and chat over a cup of tea. She went away for several months and as you can guess I missed her and our tea time chatter.

It Touched Me Again ( This Could Be Me)

I wrote this poem one day after a local woman was killed by her ex husband. After leaving an abusive marriage a few years before I was struck by the realization that this woman very well could have been me.

Tommy A Bony Little Boy (In Green)

This poem was fun to write. It actually was written as an assignment in a poetry writing class. We were given a list a words and had to write a poem using all of them.

Tommy A Bony Little Boy (Blended Colors)

To Much Coffee

I wrote this poem after not being able to sleep one night. I had a coffee with a friend earlier in the evening and couldn't sleep.

You Were My Friend

Some poems come out of terrible times this poem is one of those. My son was beaten up at a church youth event. Sadly he didn't receive any support from the church youth staff. Fortunately a group of kids from another church and another community took him under their wing and supported him. I wrote this poem for them.

Your Promises

I had heard several songs and poems about being able to see God's promises in good times. I thought it would be cool to write a poem about being able to see God's promises in good and bad times. In this poem God's promises are flowers you can pick and put in your hair.

Yes They Are For Sale

All my prints are signed and numbered. They are all done on acid free archival paper. All my images are 16"x20" I have several prints for sale. If you see one that you like you can email me at hellodolly_3@hotmail.com I have a paypal account which I will accept payments through. The cost for the prints are $175.00 which includes postage and handling anywhere in Canada or the United States Of course you can buy a print if you live anywhere else in the world. Just let me know so I can adjust the price accordingly. If you're interested you can contact me through my blog or email me at hellodolly_3@hotmail.com You can also see some more of my art in my Zazzle stores at http://www.zazzle.com/peppypatricia And Please Don`t Forget The Copyright

Your Promises In Pink

Thanks for dropping by and looking at my art work. I hope you enjoyed your stay. As I said earlier you can purchase my lino prints. If you're interested you can contact me through my blog or email me at hellodolly_3@hotmail.com