Wednesday, 13 August 2014

A letter to my sister Noel

Hey sorry but I don’t think I’ll get together with you this time around. I’m not one for pretending and ignoring white elephants in the room and the white elephant in my room has just gotten to big. You said you didn’t want any bullshit. I take that to mean that you didn’t want to discuss the reason why you haven’t been around for the past 20 some years. I’m sorry to have to say this but you are the one that caused the bullshit because of choices that you made in your life. One of those choices affected me and my son. That is when you decided to take off with my spouse and my son’s father. The ramifications of that choice are far reaching. First of all let me show you what it looked like for me. I tried to kill myself when I first found out that you had taken up with Eric. I took a bottle of pills. Thankfully I realized that no man was worth my life and went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped out. Then Eric took off with his pay check and left me and Adam without any money. We couldn’t pay our rent and had to go to welfare for money. We went from having a two income family and nice things to living in poverty with hand me down clothes and furniture. Not to mention that I got blamed for your choice because according to mom you could do no wrong and somehow it was my fault that you left with my son’s father. When I found out from Bill that you had gotten married I went to tell mom but she already knew. I asked her why she didn’t tell me and was told me that it was none of my business. Now tell me how is my sister marry my son’s father none of my business? There is also the shame I felt for years hiding that dirty little secret. How do I look my son in the eyes and tell him that he has cousins that may or may not be his half brother and sister. I remember that last phone conversation when you told me that Jennifer wasn’t his and you didn’t know whose father Alex was because you had cheated on Eric so many times you couldn’t keep track. That did give me a little bit of consolation but just a little. Granted I not sure how long me and Eric would have stayed together because of the way he was but that was up to me to decide not you. Then there is how my son was affected. You have said a couple of times that you have a family that you adore and so do I. Imagine raising your son the way my son had to be raised, because of you, without a father. My son had friends that had both a mom and a dad. Do you know how many times that little boy looked into my eyes and asked me how come he didn’t have a dad? It’s not as if I could tell him the truth. That his dad ran off with his aunt. I just told him that we would pray and one day god would give him a really good dad. Almost every night that little boy would say his prayers asking for a dad. Not to mention the identity crisis my son had because he didn’t know where he came from. He didn’t have that mirrored image of a father he was supposed to have in those crucial teenage years. Again Eric might have been the best example of a good human being but my son could have found that out for himself had the man not run off with you. I couldn’t show him any pictures of his dad because I tore them all up when you two ran off. My poor son questioned everything about his identity even his sexuality. There were a few years there when he thought that he might be gay because the only thing he knew about his father’s family was that he had uncles that were gay. My son whom I adore is 33 years old and he still suffers from issues arising from you taking off with his father. Can you imagine your son going through all this? How would you feel? I wonder have you ever stopped and wondered how Adam was doing without his dad? You said in one of our phone conversations that you did what you had to survive. I told this to my friend and she asked.” How does taking off with your sisters spouse help you survive?” That got me thinking, I would really like to know how exactly did running off with my spouse and my son’s father help you survive. Hey I know what it’s like to survive. I have been to hell and back a few times but I would not ever betray anyone like that. I have always taught my kids that you don’t use what you went through as an excuse to hurt other people or yourself. I have told them that I could be the very worst drug addicted prostitute down town Vancouver and have every excuse for being there but choose not to. Then there is the young woman that emailed me and asked. “Do you know where my mom is? Do you have any pictures of her? I don’t remember what she looks like?” Yes that young lady would be your other daughter Jennifer. I had the opportunity to have an email chat with her ever so briefly a few years ago. I sent her the few pictures I had of you. You could probably find her on facebook if you look for Jennifer Montgomery. I am sure she would like to hear from you. Ironic isn’t it. My son grew up missing his dad and your daughter has grown up missing her mom because of your choices. Now that is just plain sad. What about Karen and her family? How do you think they were affected. I can tell you that I don’t think Karen ever got over that betrayal. How do you think her kids faired with her carrying that pain around for all those years. I think they would have loved to have grown up without all the bitterness. I don’t know how long Karen and Doug would have lasted without your influences but again that was up to them to decide not you. I’m sorry but I’m not one to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that white elephants in the room don’t exist. After all that the reason I don’t talk to mom. She said that she would talk to me but wouldn’t talk about the past. I told her that I worked to long and hard to pretend that my past didn’t exist. To pretend would be to dishonor myself and the work I did on myself. And I do not dishonor myself. I cherish myself. You said that you might not come back here for another 30 years after all the bullshit. I don’t know if you meant that as an idol threat or not but hey I say go for it. I guess if you can’t handle the heat you shouldn’t have started the fire. I cannot in good conscience welcome you with open arms under those conditions. Did you think that you could walk back into our lives without the topic coming up in conversation? What kind of message would I be giving to my son if I did? To me that would be just like telling my son whom I adore that he didn’t really matter and there isn’t anybody in this world that means more to me than my kids. I don’t know what he thinks about you coming around because he hasn’t said much probably because he knows how much I have missed you and wondered if you are dead or alive nice to know that I don’t have to wonder any more. You say that you adore your family I’m guessing that includes your spouse, Charlie. How would you feel if I ran off with him? How would that affect your son? I hope you know that by writing this I mean you no malice. I am only telling you how it is. I look at your pictures of your happy little family and think oh isn’t that nice she has made a good live for herself and then I start getting mad and think what about me? It would have been nice to see if Eric, Adam and I could have had such a nice life together. Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets about how my life turned out because then I wouldn’t have my girls and I adore my girls too. They are wonderful people. But again an opportunity was taken away from me. Well I think that just about covers it. The recovery work I did taught that we should make amends for our wrong doings. I think you should make some amends to me and my son especially before we can get together. If of course you don’t feel that you can or need to then I’m afraid our relationship will have to stay on facebook. I want you to know that I do love you. Sincerely yours Patricia.