Yet another Christmas is upon us and even though I have had many wonderful things happen this year I am still reminded of the lose of my little one. I received another Christmas angel. My dear friend has taken on the task of buying me an angel for Christmas every year. However I do know if she didn't buy this gift of love I would still receive this gift from someone somewhere. It is truly a gift of love from my little one in heaven. I love you baby sweet dreams until me meet again.
This story began in 1997. I had been single for six years after leaving my ex-husband and was ready to date again Maybe a little to eager. I think I should have been more choosy about who I dated because I dated a man that wasn't the best for me and yes I did end up pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned but most welcome. I was already a mother of three and would have welcomed another child into my brood with open arms. However the story didn't exactly play out that way. Instead of a baby I got an angel. This is the story of my pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage and the saddest day of my life. It turned into the story of how I got a Christmas Angel.
I went out to dinner with my girlfriend last night. We usually get together at Christmas to do the gift exchange thing and enjoy each others company, you know the usual girlfriend thing. Her gift to me was an angel pin. It's a little angel laying on a heart that has a flower in the middle, really quite pretty. She said it was from my daughter, the one that sends me an angel every Christmas. This is that story of how that tradition began. I would not want to wish this story on anyone but I would like to share it. This story began July 1998. It was probably the worst week of my live. You see a few months earlier I unexpectedly found myself pregnant,yes it was an unplanned pregnancy. I was dating a fellow, who looking back I shouldn't have been dating, and as I said found myself pregnant. Even though it was an unplanned pregnancy it filled me up. The relationship was very draining and I was running on empty. I felt so alive knowing I had that little life growing inside me. The spring came back into my step and I could feel the wind blowing in my hair. Then just twelve incredibly short weeks later. I had a miscarriage. I cannot tell you how utterly empty and lifeless I felt after that. The emptiness was so noticeably overwhelming. It just wasn't an emptiness of soul it was an emptiness of being. My mind felt empty, my body, my soul felt empty, and my spirit felt empty. Christmas came that year as it does every year whether you want it to or not. I have three other children so I had to do Christmas that year whether I wanted to or not. I didn't have the option of curling up in bed with the blankets pulled tightly over my head. I was a single mom with three other children to look after. So the day began just as so many other Christmases began, with the gift giving. My oldest daughter gave me a little gift bag. I pulled out a little ceramic cherub or as I like to call it a baby angel. The first thought that jumped into my head when I saw this little angel was, "Oh she didn't forget'" My little darling sent her mommy a Christmas gift all the way from heaven. Yes I did say "her" mommy because in my heart of heart I believe that this child of mine was a girl and I named her Skylar-Rose. And so the story of my Christmas Angel began. Every year after that I have received an angel at Christmas time. They always come one way or another. I remember one year it came unknowingly from a relative of my ex-husbands.This was the Christmas I thought my little on had forgotten about me. This kind lady came by every year to bring me and the kids Christmas gifts. This particular year she brought over a large gift bag that we were to put under the tree until Christmas day. Christmas day came and I opened it up to see what was in it. There was a little locket at the bottom of the bag. It had, what I thought a the time, a picture of a little girl on the front. I put it away. I spent the next couple of months thinking my little girl had forgotten her mom at Christmas time until one day I looked at the locket closely. I saw that it wasn't a picture of a little girl after all. It was a picture of a baby angel. So she hadn't forgotten me after all. I later told this relative about my angel story and the locket. She told me that she had no part of that and didn't put the locket in the bag. My angels changed after a few years. They changed from being babies to a more grown up angels. As I was thinking about to why the change I heard a voice in my head say,I'm not a baby anymore you know Mom." Later on I was talking to my daughter, telling her how the angels changed. She said to me, "You know she's not a baby anymore mom." There was one year that she did forget. I didn't realize it until sometime after Christmas and before my birthday. My birthday is in January. One night I went to bed and it hit me,she forgot.i had not gotten an angel for Christmas. I was a just a little bit sad. But I went on with live thinking that was the end of the angel story. But I did get an angel that year. It came on my birthday. I went to work thinking that everyone had forgotten about my birthday but those beautiful people I worked with hadn't. I had to be out of the office with a client. The place looked dead when I got back. Then I thought for sure everyone had forgotten until I heard them all shout,"Surprise" They had indeed surprised me in more than one way. They bought me a gift and what do you think that gift was. It was an angel wind chime. I just love wind chimes. So she hadn't forgotten after all. She was just a little late, that's all and to make up for it she sent me a wind chime too. The year after that I got four Christmas Angels. Like I said earlier I already got my angel this year. My heart is always touched whenever I see that little Christmas Angel. Yes it is a beautiful story and I am glad to share it with you however as beautiful as it is I would much rather have the my little gift giver at my side than the little gift.
Lasting GriefPhoto Credit Amazon: Resting Angel Figurine
March 01,2011I went to see Nicole Kidman's new movie,The Rabbit Hole" tonight. In case you haven't seen it it's a movie about a young couple dealing with the lose of their four year old son who got ran over by a car. Yup it's a really sad story. I didn't know it was a movie about the loose of a child,if I had I wouldn't have gone. There was one part of the movie that made a lot of sense. It was a discussion between a mother and a daughter. Both had lost sons, one 11 years ago the other 8 months ago. The daughter asked the mother if it ever went away. The mother said no it never went away it just got different. It became managable. It becomes like a brick you put in your pocket. You get so used to carrying it that sometimes you even forget it's there. How true that statement is. It is so true it never does go away. And at times you do forget it's there and when you do you feel gulity. Watching that movie was like having the bandage torn off of a wound. I lost my baby in 1998 but the wound feels fresh after watching that movie. I remember how dead and drained I felt from dealing with lives trials and stresses. I remember how alive I felt when I found out that I was carry that little life in me. The spring came back in my step and I was feeling so happy. I felt the flutter of that little life inside me and was so looking forward to holding that little darling in my arms. That feeling of being alive turned to feeling of emptiness. A emptiness that I have never felt before.The emptyiness was so loud it scream a silent scream. The feeling of having empty arms came with that scream. It's true it never does go away. But sometimes you do forget its there and then comes days like today when the wound seems as fresh as the day it happened and you feel like crumpling to the ground. That's my grief.
Life After A Miscarriage.
Photo Credit Amazon: Sleeping Cherub Statue Did I hear you right? Did you say that live goes on after a miscarriage? Yes you heard me correctly, live does go on after a miscarriage. You might not feel like living but whether you like it or not your body still keeps functioning. Your lungs take in a breath and let it out again, Your eyes still blink and your heart keeps beating. I felt so dead inside after I lost my baby I didn't think I'd ever feel alive again. The first year after was the hardest. I didn't want to do anything and for the most part I didn't. I had 3 other kids to look after so I had no choice but to get up off the couch. For the most part that's all I did. I'd get up off the couch to get the kids up for school. I would then make their breakfast and send them out the door to school. I would then lay down on the couch and sleep until it was time to get up and make them lunch. They would come home have lunch and go back to school. I would then go back and sleep until they got home from school. We they got home I'd get up to visit for a while and make supper then lay back down. That was pretty much my day for about a year. I slept on the couch because I couldn't stay in my room for very long. I would go in my room to dress then I would have to leave. It seemed as if there was a black cloud lingering in my room that wanted to swallow me up. It was a sad dark time. I used to have a really hard time going shopping especially if there was a crying baby in the store. I would just want to cry out. "Shut that dam thing up!" All these years later it still bothers me to hear a baby cry, especailly a newborn. It was just reminder of how empty my arms felt. Those empty arms are painful to say the least. I don't think that pain or emptiness ever goes away. It just gets bearable and sometimes you do forget about it. I really didn't feel like living and to tell the truth I don't know how I got though that tiime. I remember one night after the kids had gone to bed. It was a night that I really didn't feel like living. I laid down on the couch wishing that I could die.I was crying out to the universe asking why I was on this earth anyhow. I actually felt my spirit leaving my body. But the dam phone rang. It was a young girl that was a friend of my son's. I hadn't talked to her for a couple of years. She said that she was phoning to thank me for saving her life. She said that I had given her some advice once when she was going through a really hard time. The advice I gave her had saved her live. That phone call couldn't have come at a better time. It's been 13 years since I miscarried. 13 long years. I still wonder what my little girl would have looked like. I still do the backwards count to figure out how old she would have been if she was born on my due date, Febuary 4th, 1999. So long ago yet at times it seems so recent. At times I can still feel the emptiness of my arms. If you have had a miscarriage I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and seek out a support group in your community. I found a group in my community called "Empty Arms".
Angles on Amazon
Gifts Of Hope
Some Valuable Resources For Those Who Experience A Miscarriage
Things To Bring Comfort
Things That Promote A Healthy Pregnancy
Things To Help You Learn to Laugh Again After The Pain